Can i not drive my cunt home
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
