Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
