I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
