there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
