When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
