Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
