Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
