Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i will never coherently bang her
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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