she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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