i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
