Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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