Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
