Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Pooping to opera.
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