Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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