I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
