Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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