After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
