last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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