yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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