Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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