I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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