I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
