think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
