Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
