I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
