i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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