No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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