Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
