sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize