hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
