my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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