i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
