she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
