This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
