if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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