i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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