Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
