I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
