I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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