There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
