Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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