im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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