he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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