I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
