i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
