I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
