That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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