He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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