Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize