you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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