i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Even my vagina gasped.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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