i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
