Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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