she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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