So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
